annoying It's something I've felt for awhile, but my dad is really unresponsive with a very high pride that isn't very necessary and totally uncool. Whenever we ask him questions just for a chat, I have to ask him at least three times until he answers with a really short yes or no. Whenever he does something bad to us, he ignores it and pretends like it never happens and refuses to say sorry even if it's something really small. He thinks if we sleep it off it will all just go away.
But what frustrates the MOST is he's only like this with us. When he's with his friends he's really happy all the time... very talkative... very sensible. It frustrates me how it feels like he cares more about what people think of him more than what he thinks his own family will think of him.
Since he is the "boss" of the house he can do whatever he wants and it doesn't matter. I hate this. I really hate this type of guy.
But I've seen this and lived with this for all my life that I think some of his habits came to rub off on me. It's so annoying and I hate it.
But I know my father works very hard for our family and that I can't do anything without him.
But it's just the way he controls us that frustrates me. We have to do everything HIS way. When I wanted to study hair he refused damn right saying I don't have what it takes when I didn't even give it a shot. And so I went to college and I wanted to go overseas to korea to teach english for one year (and it wouldn't even cost me a CENT and I would get paid) he said no because it's too dangerous and stupid.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I get so mad....
If i ever get married it will never be with someone like my dad.
It will be someone with a bright personality who speaks out their own thoughts but is thoughtful of others too.
Actually, today I was suppose to go out bowling with my friends. but I didn't have anything good to wear (all in laundry) and I didn't want to look stupid so I pretended that I was busy. But right now I wish I went out anyways...
smile4mee
I find that I am a cold person. It's hard for me to try and open up to others about myself.
If others open up to me, I'm pretty accepting and and very open minded. I accept lots of different kinds of view points and try to look at things from their perspective so that I could understand them better.
But then, when it comes to me, actually going that extra step to ask them out to hang out or whatever. I usually don't. Unless they invite me, I tend to not get any closer.
It's a bad habit or way of socializing. I try to make mysellf more open these days and more outgoing but it's hard changing who I am. At this rate I am very worried about myself.
Anyways, on a happier note, yesterday I saw forbidden kingdom featuring jackie chan and jet li. it was cool. I laughed a lot and found it amusing. I wouldn't mind watching it again for a good laugh. But truthfully, the plot was a bit too obvious. and the conflicts all worked out too easily. There were times in the fight scene when I thought it was about two or three seconds too long. But other than that, it was a great movie.
One weird thing I found was how easily the main character found himself killing the enemy. Back in his time (or in the future of his time) killing is illegal. I found it weird how easily he slashed his enemy's throats and such. But since it's a movie I never really thought about it too long.
If others open up to me, I'm pretty accepting and and very open minded. I accept lots of different kinds of view points and try to look at things from their perspective so that I could understand them better.
But then, when it comes to me, actually going that extra step to ask them out to hang out or whatever. I usually don't. Unless they invite me, I tend to not get any closer.
It's a bad habit or way of socializing. I try to make mysellf more open these days and more outgoing but it's hard changing who I am. At this rate I am very worried about myself.
Anyways, on a happier note, yesterday I saw forbidden kingdom featuring jackie chan and jet li. it was cool. I laughed a lot and found it amusing. I wouldn't mind watching it again for a good laugh. But truthfully, the plot was a bit too obvious. and the conflicts all worked out too easily. There were times in the fight scene when I thought it was about two or three seconds too long. But other than that, it was a great movie.
One weird thing I found was how easily the main character found himself killing the enemy. Back in his time (or in the future of his time) killing is illegal. I found it weird how easily he slashed his enemy's throats and such. But since it's a movie I never really thought about it too long.
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A secret.
When I was young, I was repetitively sexually harassed by someone close to me. When I was young, I didn't understand what he was doing. I didn't enjoy it. But he threatened me... i wont get too specific because I'm not writing this to describe what happened, I just want to get out this secret I had for so long. So that at least someone will know. That they will feel bad for me, although I know, nobody will really care that much... except for maybe a second.
It's not like this effected my life in a sad tragic way. In fact, my life would've been exactly the same. But everyday, the things that happened to me flash through my mind. When I'm having dinner, when I'm with my friends, when I am studying, when I'm doing everything. I tell myself, it's okay. It's not my fault, I didn't understand anything, I didn't do anything bad, it's just something that happened to me. It's only a bad dream, and it will never happen ever again.
But I always think... What life would be like if I didn't have these images in my head. playing everyday. every minute. every second. life a movie. How much more brighter I would be able to laugh if I didn't have these thoughts. How much more purely I would be able to live mylife.
In the outside world. Nobody knows this happened to me. Only me and the person that did it to me for maybe 3 years or more. Only us. I am a simple, shy girl. Quiet. Nice. Gentle. Has many close friends. Nobody, not even my mom knows about this.
When I am with others, for moments I forget. But when I am alone in my room it plays back again and again and again. When I say play again. It's not like a play where you can see things scene by scene. Everything that I did, that he did plays inside my mind all in a second.I can't imagine it like a movie even if i tried. But it's there stamped into my head. I guess that is why I always find myself listening to music only concentrating on the lyrics.
I may look fine in the outside. But I don't know how to get these images out of my mind. I don't know how to move on. I tell myself it's okay. it's okay. Lets think of it like something of a bad dream. But I can't help but remember. I can't think of a day when these images didn't flash through my mind.
All the suffering plays in my head in a blink of an eye. Everything. And I feel dirty. I know I'm not. But I feel dirty inside.
My soul feels dirty. When I laugh, I can't laugh without thinking these memories.
Please don't do this to others. Please don't let someone suffer through this. Once something like this happens, it can't be taken back. you can't take a pill and forget it forever.
It is something that will remain with you till the day you die. If I can forget, if I don't have to think about these things..... I wonder what kind of person I would've been.
It's not like this effected my life in a sad tragic way. In fact, my life would've been exactly the same. But everyday, the things that happened to me flash through my mind. When I'm having dinner, when I'm with my friends, when I am studying, when I'm doing everything. I tell myself, it's okay. It's not my fault, I didn't understand anything, I didn't do anything bad, it's just something that happened to me. It's only a bad dream, and it will never happen ever again.
But I always think... What life would be like if I didn't have these images in my head. playing everyday. every minute. every second. life a movie. How much more brighter I would be able to laugh if I didn't have these thoughts. How much more purely I would be able to live mylife.
In the outside world. Nobody knows this happened to me. Only me and the person that did it to me for maybe 3 years or more. Only us. I am a simple, shy girl. Quiet. Nice. Gentle. Has many close friends. Nobody, not even my mom knows about this.
When I am with others, for moments I forget. But when I am alone in my room it plays back again and again and again. When I say play again. It's not like a play where you can see things scene by scene. Everything that I did, that he did plays inside my mind all in a second.I can't imagine it like a movie even if i tried. But it's there stamped into my head. I guess that is why I always find myself listening to music only concentrating on the lyrics.
I may look fine in the outside. But I don't know how to get these images out of my mind. I don't know how to move on. I tell myself it's okay. it's okay. Lets think of it like something of a bad dream. But I can't help but remember. I can't think of a day when these images didn't flash through my mind.
All the suffering plays in my head in a blink of an eye. Everything. And I feel dirty. I know I'm not. But I feel dirty inside.
My soul feels dirty. When I laugh, I can't laugh without thinking these memories.
Please don't do this to others. Please don't let someone suffer through this. Once something like this happens, it can't be taken back. you can't take a pill and forget it forever.
It is something that will remain with you till the day you die. If I can forget, if I don't have to think about these things..... I wonder what kind of person I would've been.
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It's been awhile. I never really bothered to update my blog. Mainly because nobody reads it...
This blog is basically my venting place. Nobody in my life but me knows about this blog. NOBODY.
Which is sort of nice, yet sad because I never see any comments.
I am 19, my birthday is coming around next month. All my close friends are away so I don't think I will do anything special for my birthday. I'll just spend it quietly with my family. In my highschool, I didn't realize this but I noticed how closed minded and conservative person I was.
In my new college, there are so many diverse people. From blaks, to pakistan, to koreans, to whites, to even who knows where. It's so diverse and I love it. I think even if I transfer out of here, I want to be and stay in a place like this. It feels nice. It feels so right to be in this kind of place.
In my old school, everyone was asian. So I never really felt anything. I felt prideful of being Korean. I felt superior for being Korean. But now, I am learning all these new things. Everyone is really awesome.
These days, the cold virus have been going around. I unfortunately, caught it. It really sucks. I get seriously sick at least once a year. Where your inside feels really heavy and your eyes are aways feeling lazy. And when your appitte just drops and nose runs nonstop.
It really is bad. I hate being sick.
You know, before I use to hate spicy food. Because it hurt to eat it. But one of my favorite singer said, I love spice food because I love the feeling of it. It feels good doesn't it? And after I heard that it's so weird, I began to enjoy spicy food and agree that it feels good.
It's weird how humans think and work.
I am also studying Astronomy. It's really interesting. I wonder if we will ever find aliens in this generation of kids. It would be cool if they did. I hope so, I would like to see or meet one. Or just see on articles what they are like. Outer space is so cool.
I have two hidden ambitions that I know will never come true, yet can't help but wish for.
To fly out to space.
To become a singer.
They are all so great. ^^
This blog is basically my venting place. Nobody in my life but me knows about this blog. NOBODY.
Which is sort of nice, yet sad because I never see any comments.
I am 19, my birthday is coming around next month. All my close friends are away so I don't think I will do anything special for my birthday. I'll just spend it quietly with my family. In my highschool, I didn't realize this but I noticed how closed minded and conservative person I was.
In my new college, there are so many diverse people. From blaks, to pakistan, to koreans, to whites, to even who knows where. It's so diverse and I love it. I think even if I transfer out of here, I want to be and stay in a place like this. It feels nice. It feels so right to be in this kind of place.
In my old school, everyone was asian. So I never really felt anything. I felt prideful of being Korean. I felt superior for being Korean. But now, I am learning all these new things. Everyone is really awesome.
These days, the cold virus have been going around. I unfortunately, caught it. It really sucks. I get seriously sick at least once a year. Where your inside feels really heavy and your eyes are aways feeling lazy. And when your appitte just drops and nose runs nonstop.
It really is bad. I hate being sick.
You know, before I use to hate spicy food. Because it hurt to eat it. But one of my favorite singer said, I love spice food because I love the feeling of it. It feels good doesn't it? And after I heard that it's so weird, I began to enjoy spicy food and agree that it feels good.
It's weird how humans think and work.
I am also studying Astronomy. It's really interesting. I wonder if we will ever find aliens in this generation of kids. It would be cool if they did. I hope so, I would like to see or meet one. Or just see on articles what they are like. Outer space is so cool.
I have two hidden ambitions that I know will never come true, yet can't help but wish for.
To fly out to space.
To become a singer.
They are all so great. ^^
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These days I feel so useless. I'm starting to doubt life itself. Maybe i'm having an early mid life crisist. What is life? What is the purpose of life? In the past, I've always believed that it was to serve god and to thank him or her. But now I'm not sure anymore. A few days ago, I was in a shopping center and i saw a homeless man. The homeless man saw another person throw away a drink and he quickly went to the trash can and fetched it out and drank it. He would also pick up the cigarette stubs left in the smoke trash place and place them in his pocket. When i saw it I kept thinking, the things people do to keep on living. But you know, if you think about it we are no different. Maybe I should say I instead of we. If I die, nobody will care except a few of my friends and family members. But you know, if i die there will be no real difference in the world. Yet, I don't want to die. I want to look prettier, I want to be smarter, I want to be more energetic, and most of all I want to be loved.
My one and only real dream is to get a nice job as a hair stylist and settle down with a nice family. I would buy my mom nice clothes everyday and buy her lots of delicious things. I really truely am thankful to my mother.
But you know, I don't really know if I love my father the way I love my mother. Whenever I say hi to him he doesn't even look at me. He treats me like a ghost. I guess I can be at fault too. My dad treated me this way ever since I was little so I don't really have enough courage in me to say HI DAD! Lets go to the movies today! I can say that to my mom so easily yet to my dad he seems like a stranger. I know i should be thankful to him. If it werent for my dad my family wouldn't be where we are today. He wakes up at five A,M. everyday and goes to work and comes back depending on how busy he is. it can range from anywhere around 4pm to 9pm.
I know he works very hard for us but I can't get past how he treats me like a ghost. It gets on my nerves! Whenever I ask him questions he pretends he didn't hear. You'd have to ask him about twenty times with a BRIGHT smile on your face and you would get a short "yes" or "no". He doesn't even help around the house. I don't care if he doesn't vacume or do all the tiring things. but little things. like after you floss you should throw it away. but my dad just thows it on the couch or his desk. or after we finish eating dinner. he could help put away the dishes into the sink. he doesn't have to DO the dishes because i usually do them. but just simply putting away would help me a lot. little things like that. but after we finish eating dinner he just gets up and goes and watches tv. He treats my mom like a ghost too. on her birthday he didn't even buy her a cake. he said since everyone doesn't really like cake why buy it? he doesn't eve buy her a substitute for a cake. he forgot the present too.
I know my dad doesn't have a sickness and i know he's not deaf. but sometimes i think there is something mentally wrong with him. because he treats his own family like a ghost all the time. it's hard for me to come forth and be like a real daughter. it's so awkward when i try to be. and when I try to be i get no feed back so i just quit trying these days.
I never wrote anything or said anything about this so i guess i'm a little refreshed now. Even though I know almost nobody will read this or even finish reading this. Maybe I feel that God is hearing me out. Yet i'm starting to doubt God these days.
anyways, I'll update later. cya guys.
My one and only real dream is to get a nice job as a hair stylist and settle down with a nice family. I would buy my mom nice clothes everyday and buy her lots of delicious things. I really truely am thankful to my mother.
But you know, I don't really know if I love my father the way I love my mother. Whenever I say hi to him he doesn't even look at me. He treats me like a ghost. I guess I can be at fault too. My dad treated me this way ever since I was little so I don't really have enough courage in me to say HI DAD! Lets go to the movies today! I can say that to my mom so easily yet to my dad he seems like a stranger. I know i should be thankful to him. If it werent for my dad my family wouldn't be where we are today. He wakes up at five A,M. everyday and goes to work and comes back depending on how busy he is. it can range from anywhere around 4pm to 9pm.
I know he works very hard for us but I can't get past how he treats me like a ghost. It gets on my nerves! Whenever I ask him questions he pretends he didn't hear. You'd have to ask him about twenty times with a BRIGHT smile on your face and you would get a short "yes" or "no". He doesn't even help around the house. I don't care if he doesn't vacume or do all the tiring things. but little things. like after you floss you should throw it away. but my dad just thows it on the couch or his desk. or after we finish eating dinner. he could help put away the dishes into the sink. he doesn't have to DO the dishes because i usually do them. but just simply putting away would help me a lot. little things like that. but after we finish eating dinner he just gets up and goes and watches tv. He treats my mom like a ghost too. on her birthday he didn't even buy her a cake. he said since everyone doesn't really like cake why buy it? he doesn't eve buy her a substitute for a cake. he forgot the present too.
I know my dad doesn't have a sickness and i know he's not deaf. but sometimes i think there is something mentally wrong with him. because he treats his own family like a ghost all the time. it's hard for me to come forth and be like a real daughter. it's so awkward when i try to be. and when I try to be i get no feed back so i just quit trying these days.
I never wrote anything or said anything about this so i guess i'm a little refreshed now. Even though I know almost nobody will read this or even finish reading this. Maybe I feel that God is hearing me out. Yet i'm starting to doubt God these days.
anyways, I'll update later. cya guys.
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